Review- The Orbit Magazine Anthology: Re-Entry

The Orbit Magazine Anthology: Re-Entry (Painted Turtle/ Wayne State University Press, 2015)

Ask Baby Jingo was a regular feature where readers would ask questions and Jingo, the world's smartest baby, would answer them. 

Orbit was a free monthly tabloid-sized magazine that was published in Detroit during the 1990s. Once a month I scoured record stores for the new issue. Back in a pre-Internet world young people picked up the free rags like this to see what bands were coming to town. And while I also picked up The Metro Times every week, it was not as fun to read. Orbit was a party on paper month in and month out. The reviews pulled no punches and kissed no ass, an aesthetic that I have feebly tried to emulate in this here blog. My friend was in graduate school at the University of Chicago in the mid-90s, and I would clip out the best parts of Orbit and mail them to him and he would do the same with the local Chicago rag, The Onion. We both felt that Orbit was superior, because it was.

This book is and isn't the story of Jerry Vile. He spearheaded the Punk magazine White Noise in 1979-1980 and Fun, which was more of a direct precursor to Orbit that ran from 1986-1990. The zany humor was already in place in Fun. I especially enjoyed the Melvindale Community College faux brochure since I grew up near that armpit of a town. Also highly recommended is The Telltale Signs Of Teenage Drug Addiction. It was skit articles like this where the writers really shined.

An excerpt from The Telltale Signs Of Teenage Drug Addiction.

Long before the movie made veiled jokes, Orbit uncovered the terrible, terrible secrets of the television series.

Orbit launched in 1990 using space-age computers to do then-innovative layout and design. While the number of typos found in the scanned articles are numerous, bear in mind that this was done on primitive word processors in the days before sorcery like spell check existed. The people who did reviews for Orbit had good taste, and my friends and I would often check a movie out if they gave it a good rating. The cynical bastards who did reviews for Orbit would rip apart big budget fare long before the Internet made such things the national pastime, and we loved them for it. I laughed my ass off when Orbit gave Pearl Jam's Vs. a big fat 0, as I hated Pearl Jam with every fiber of my being back then, believing that they were everything wrong with music. And they were. Still are, really. Seeing this review again brought a smile to my face. I really wish that I had thought to save all of my Orbits.

I always loved Orbit's hype blurbs for concerts. Most rags talk about how great said band is. Not Orbit.

The Eagles have been a blemish on humanity for decades. I remember spitting venom at this money-grubbing reunion tour back then too. Thank The Eagles if you enjoy spending triple digits on concert tickets, because they and Barbara Streisand proved that people were stupid enough to pay it. Die, Eagles, die!!!

Orbit predicted Quentin Tarantino's success right out of the gate, giving him his first magazine cover and he returned the favor by featuring an Orbit T-shirt in Pulp Fiction. Orbit also predicted the success of Kid Rock and Insane Clown Posse as well as giving space to Eminem and The White Stripes. I really enjoyed their coverage of all of the local bands on the scene from the fall of 1998 in Now Playing In Detroit!, seeing listings of The Go, The White Stripes, Rocket 455, and all of the other bands that would define an era.

Jack White and Eminem, pre-fame.

The White Stripes, pre-first album.

Jerry Vile co-launched Real Detroit Weekly as he killed off Orbit, and it was basically a big fat tabloid of advertisements with ass-kissing write ups about events coming to town. I picked it up every week as I needed stuff to read on the toilet but the demise of Orbit left a hole in my heart which was already three sizes too small. The mythological final issue, which never made it to stores around where I lived at the time, does indeed exist as proven by scans of the cover and numerous interior pages in this book.

The following are from Orbit's holiday gift guide.

Word of this book started circulating a year or two ago, and I eagerly awaited any and all news of it. Author Robert St. Mary launched a Patronicity crowdsource funding page and I immediately plunked down money for it. The total needed to make the book happen was looking iffy as the deadline approached and then Kid Rock swooped in and saved the day. I am not much of a Kid Rock fan to be honest with you but he helped make this book happen so he is all right by me.

I have one quibble with this book. The skit article There Is No Iowa was not included in this 272 page tome. I remember hyperventilating when I read that article for the first time, it was so hysterical. I laughed and wheezed and cried. I have scoured the Internet in vain looking for a scan of it, but Orbit sadly existed before the world of scanners and most copies are sitting in landfills. The magazine did have the first website for a publication in Detroit, though, so who knows. Someone somewhere may have it stored on some floppy disc.

While I would never insult real writers by claiming to be one myself, let's say that for a minute I am a writer. If I, as a “writer” had a number one influence, it would be Orbit. The writing really informed me in terms of how to make a review fun instead of a sell out fluff piece or, worse yet, some rote book report style. But like I said, I'm not a real writer...not like those cats who got their work published in the prestigious pages of Orbit. I would be all over additional books of scans of Orbit. Hopefully this book sells enough to make author Robert St. Mary want to do that.

Junk Food For Thought rating: 5 out of 5.

Yes, that's right. Kris Shaw. My name IN PRINT. Who says that money can't buy happiness?

The OCD zone- This is the part where I go into tactile sensations of physical media. Those with heart conditions, high blood pressure, or women who are pregnant should exit my blog at their earliest convenience, as their safety cannot be guaranteed.

Paper stock: Thick coated stock with a slight sheen. This is coffee table book material, folks.

Binding: Sewn binding. The weight of the book block, combined with the size of the book, give the book a floppy feel...kind of like a tabloid size newspaper!

Cardstock cover notes: Matte finish which is resistant to scuffing. Should look handsome with repeated handling, and believe me, this book will be picked up often in my house.

For those of you still reading, here is a little something that I whipped up after reading this book. Consider this my love letter to Orbit...

A flash of inspiration just hit me like a lightning bolt, the answer to all of my dreams and my ticket to a life of wealth and comfort for my family.

THE INCONVENIENCE STORE

Everything in this world has become easy and convenient, but what if my proposed chain of stores, independently owned and operated franchises with no unifying theme or decor, could undo that sameness that makes all chains lame and boring?

Imagine a store that carries only the brands that are unpopular. RC Cola. Zero Bars. Ketchup flavor potato chips. Imagine a cash register that only accepts cash, or cannot accept a bill larger than a five. Or doesn't have pennies. Or won't accept EBT. All varying from one location to the next.

Parking? Forgettabout it! THE INCONVENIENCE STORE ain't got no time for that! Located on the second floor or basement of buildings in densely populated cities with no dedicated parking or ease of access to mass transit, THE INCONVENIENCE STORE won't even make getting there easy!

Customer service? Not a chance. Rude clerks playing with their phone and updating their Facebook/Twitter/Instagram are the order of the day, babe. Cashiers with no knowledge of the layout of the store or even what items are stocked.

Merchandising? THE INCONVENIENCE STORE will have no unifying layout from one day to the next. Mallo Cups will sit next to cheap Chinese knockoff Minecraft toys on the shelf one day and be on opposite ends of the store the next. Rhyme or reason are out the window!

THE INCONVENIENCE STORE will carry it's mission into cyberspace too, as it's website will have a cluttered, confusing layout without a Store Locator as well as an app for your smartphone which will be on at all times, killing your battery.

THE INCONVENIENCE STORE...coming to a neighborhood nowhere near you!

Free Comic Book Day 2015

Free Comic Book Day 2015

Well, another FCBD is on the books. I swear, this day has become something of a holiday in my house, as I take the day off of work and spend it with my hatchlings every year. They view it as Christmas in May...only with comic books! We had unbelievably good weather this year, with highs in the mid-70s and plenty of sunshine.

I lay down one ground rule for them: Grab no more than one copy of anything. If you grabbed it at one store, leave it at another and give someone else a chance to get it. I bought something at nearly every store, as these “free” comics aren't free to retailers. Whether it was a few $1 box comics for the kids or a handful of Shogun Warriors floppies for my collection (that is my current run that I am piecing together- 15 down, 5 to go!), I try to buy something everywhere. There were a few that I didn't, but I tried.

The earliest opening store was Time Travelers in Berkley, MI, opening at 9 AM. I had intended to be there when they opened but my 5 year old daughter decided that she had to have a costume...at 8 AM. My wife, ever the trooper, threw this together for her out of extra fabric that she had. My 8 year old son was dressed as Batman but decided to just wear a shirt at the last minute. They are both veterans of many FCBDs. Time Travelers had people beginning to roll in as we arrived around 9:20. There was a limit of 6 free comics per person as well as punch, donuts, and cookie. Unlike past years where we arrived here later, we came her first and found it well stocked with free comics. 

 Next was Detroit Comics in Ferndale, MI. I lived in Ferndale for a decade or so and always enjoy seeing how the old 'hood is doing. They offered 2 free comics for adults and 3 free comics for kids. They opened at 10, and we arrived there a few minutes early as a small line formed. I always enjoy seeing newbies at this event, as it never fails to see one of two types: the first who believes that ANY comic is for free, and the second who was like the meth-head who had one of every comic in his stack and claimed that the extras were for his nephew...who wasn't there. Come on. If you want to get many of these special editions, do what I do: store hop. It takes time, effort, and some money but I guarantee that you will get everything that you want. There wasn't a single comic that I wanted that I did not get by the end of the day.

Warp 9 Comics in Clawson, MI was next. They opened at 11, and we were done with Detroit Comics by 10:20, leaving us a good amount of down time for a Slurpee break. We stood in line for maybe 20 or so minutes and were already 30 people back, with the line growing much longer. The store switched owners since last year's FCBD and I was surprised to see that the new owner still offered 10, count them, ten, free comics. The line moved slower than molasses in January. The Millennials in front of me were puzzling. There were three of them, and two of them stood there staring at their phones in line, not saying anything to each other the entire time. Then they stood there staring at the comics as if this were a life or death decision not to be rushed, seemingly oblivious to the ever-growing line behind them. I weep for the future of humanity.

I zipped back down the Southfield Freeway over to I-96 to the west side (well, as far west as I was going, at least), to Back To The Past Comics and Collectibles in Redford, MI. This store is in an industrial district just south of the freeway and it is a store in a warehouse. I mean an actual warehouse, filled with all sorts of cool stuff including newspapers, vinyl, etc. They had a limit of one free comic for person. My son loved their endless dollar boxes, as he loves “old” comics from the 1990s. Ugh. 

After a lunch break at McDonald's we hit Green Brain Comics in Dearborn, MI. This is their first year in their new building, and the new store's layout worked better for traffic flow. They offered three free comics, four if you wore a costume, donated canned food, or donated a cellphone. There was a tent outside with various artists.

Then we went to Big Ben's Comix Oasis in Allen Park, MI. The crowd was still strong but thankfully there was no line wrapping around the building this year. They offered three free comics per person.

I was ready to stop, as I had everything that I wanted but the kids wanted more. Wonderworld Comics closed, moved to Lincoln Park, MI, and renamed themselves Quick Stop Comic Shop. The line was still long by the time that we got there, probably around 3. There offered 5 free comics for adults and 10 for kids. My daughter passed since she had one of the ones that she wanted. I picked a few oddballs.

I was really, really done, but my son wanted more, and since there was one more store nearby we hit it. Hero Time Comics just opened this year in Southgate, MI. They were picked clean and had only three different titles left. Since we had them all we passed, although my son grabbed another “old” comic from the 1990s from the dollar box.

So that's it. We were done by 4 PM this year, largely due to the construction projects not forcing me onto surface streets. The kids are looking forward to next year, and so am I!

Retroview- Queensryche/ Kiss @ Cobo Arena in Detroit, MI on December 8, 1984

Retroview- Queensryche/ Kiss @ Cobo Arena in Detroit, MI on December 8, 1984

This is something that I have toyed with doing for a while now. Retro reviews of shows that I went to in the past...and what better place to start than the very beginning? My first concert, age 11. No, I have no idea why my Mom thought that letting me go to a concert with my older brother and his burnout friends was a good idea. Notice how the ticket says Cobo Theatre rather than Arena? That is because they used to do what were called “half set-ups” for bands that couldn't fill out 12,000 seats. By the time the show came around our seats, which were supposed to be the first section in lower bowl, were actually three sections back from the stage. That was because Cobo didn't allow the half set up to sell out, they just kept adding more seats as they sold, from the middle to the front. The place was pretty close to being sold out as a full size arena. Cobo Arena is gone, knocked down within the past few years in order to expand convention center space at Cobo Hall.

Little did I know at the time, but this show was taped for a MTV special and was later released as the Animalize Live Uncensored home video, which I have on VHS somewhere. It is pretty cool that my very first concert was documented so well for posterity. What was amazing to me as an 11 year old was Kiss hamming it up big time for the camera when I watched it years later as an adult.

Back in 1984 the smell of cigarette smoke, pot, and beer was like incense for the concertgoing set, a matter of fact of the experience. Going to concerts in today's politically correct world makes it feels like something is missing...namely the contact buzz that was free with every ticket purchase. This ticket cost a whopping $12.00, or $27.42 in today's dollars. Makes those arena concert ticket prices of today seem a bit inflated, eh?

I did buy a shirt at the show, which I think cost $14 at that time but can't remember for sure. This was a weird one, a sort of elbow length football sleeve cut. I haven't seen another one of these at the concerts that I went to over the years. Most of them were the ones with the same design but short white sleeves. I still own the shirt to this day. 

The opening band was some nobody named Queensryche. They of course went on to become a fairly popular band toward the end of the decade, but this was their first major tour. Then Kiss came on and blew my 11 year old mind. I don't remember much about the show other than that I loved it. The live Rock and Roll experience was my first step into a much larger world. I could not believe how loud it was. I had never heard music that loud in my entire life. I remember the lighting truss coming down to the stage and the band (minus Eric Carr) going up to the top of the building playing Black Diamond.

Setlist:

Detroit Rock City

Cold Gin

Creatures Of The Night

Fits Like A Glove

Heaven's On Fire

Thrills In The Night

Guitar solo

Under The Gun

War Machine

Drum solo

Young And Wasted

Bass solo

I Love It Loud

I Still Love You

Love Gun

Lick It Up

Black Diamond

encore

Rock And Roll All Nite

The beginning...

Review- Duende!/ Mezcal

Duende!/ Mezcal (Bellyache Records, 2014)

I have had this for a minute but putzed around writing my review of it. Sorry but I get lazy sometimes. This seven song EP is pretty close to longplayer length in my book, but that would be for the discogs of the world to decide.

These guys move around a bit much for a square like me to follow. I can grasp the boozy tunes like One More Time and Mezcal easily enough. Devil Do is Hallowe'en music. I love the macabre aspect, as it reminds of me early '60s Hallowe'en decorations. Without divulging the secret location of their headquarters, I will say that the sound of this song reminds me of the neighbors in the house next door to Duende HQ around Hallowe'en time. This song sounds like whiskey soaked desert Rock, if that makes any sense. Like you stumble into a saloon in a ghost town on Hallowe'en and the band is playing, only later you find out that everyone in the town died a long time ago. Burn This Town is kind of long for my tastes, but your mileage vary. Mezcal is good stuff that would undoubtedly be fun live. I am going to have pack up the missus and head on out sooner than later.

Junk Food For Thought rating: 3.75 out of 5.

Buy Duende!/ Mezcal here.

Review- Free Comic Book Day 2014

They were awake at 5:30 AM. I was not. Ugh. 

Free Comic Book Day 2014

One man...his two children...two counties...seven comic book shops...eight hours. This is the tale of a comic fan and his hatchlings spending quality time on the greatest day of the year...FREE COMIC BOOK DAY!

Before I begin, I would like to thank each and every store for their participation in this event. Participation is not mandatory and all stores incur great expense to put this event on. Those “free” comics are not free to the retailers. With this in mind, I try to buy something at each store. I did not succeed this year, but I bought things at four of the seven stores this time around. I have made a mental note of which ones that I did not and will make it a point to go back and buy something within the year to make up for this. This day is wonderful to bring in new readers, but as an “established” reader I do feel an obligation to compensate the store for my “free” comics since I am not the intended audience for this event. 

Another point I would like to make before I begin is that I make sure to not grab more than one copy of any particular comic, even though I hit multiple shops. The only thing that I did grab an extra copy of was The Mouse Guard hardcover, and that was for a friend who usually attends but was ill with a stomach bug this year and was unable to leave the house. I abhor the scumbags who amass a complete run of these books and immediately flip them on eBay. I don't sell my copies of these books. 

I started the day off at the first store to open on the list, Detroit Comics in Ferndale, MI. I was surprised to see so much new construction along the Woodward corridor and it made me happy to see things alive and well since I moved out of the area. Detroit Comics had some guests coming out later on but I obviously missed that. We arrived shortly after they opened and the store had lots of people coming and going and milling about. The limit was 2 free comics per adult and 3 per child. They also had official Free Comic Book Day suckers for the kids, but my little rascals already had them in their mouth before I got in the car. I wanted to take a picture. Oh well.

Next up was Warp 9 Comics in Clawson, MI. Comic convention attendees in other states may recognize this place, as Lauren Becker makes the rounds across the country. I arrived shortly before they opened at 11 and the line was wrapped around the corner and was longer still when we left. It gets crazy crowded in there, but my kids are older and I can trust them (a little) to wander around a store and not destroy merchandise so I was able to look around more this year and enjoy myself. The limit here was ten free comics per person with a strict edict that if you tried to grab two copies of the same comic that you would be laughed at and forced to go to the back of the line. 

After that madhouse I dashed over to Time Travelers over in Berkley, MI. They provided cake, candy, and punch for the kiddies. As if my kids weren't hepped up on the euphoria of Free Comic Book Day...yikes. Throwing sugar on top of it was like throwing a Molotov cocktail on a gas soaked building, and my kids went off the rails. Time Travelers offered 8 free comics per customer. They were picked over pretty well by the time that we got there but they were throwing additional stock of various back issues out, which my son enjoyed. He likes those “old comics” from the '90s. *shudder* I forgot to look for my '70s Planet Of The Apes comics...s'um'bitch. My son found a Storm Shadow G.I. Joe doll in his price range and was happy. 

They even had Spider-Man on the milk and apple slices packaging.

My son was thrilled with his Happy Meal toy (seen at bottom left).

After lunch at McDonald's (because my son pleaded for it- Dad, they have Spider-Man toys!) we journeyed to Green Brain Comics in Dearborn, MI, where they are hosting the event at their longtime location for the last time. They are moving several blocks west down Michigan Avenue later this summer. They offered five free comic books per person, six if you were in costume (which my son's Superman t-shirt qualified for and he received the bonus ticket), with additional opportunities for canned food donations. It was a madhouse, albeit an orderly madhouse. There was an artist's tent outside and all sorts of things going on. My daughter's nerd genes seem to be manifesting, as she is drawn to people in costumes. She followed this poor man dressed as Vordak The Incomprehensible around, ditto Spider-Man. I fear that she is becoming some sort of cosplay groupie.

 

We then drove to Big Ben's Comix Oasis in Allen Park, MI. Free Comic Book Day has always been crowded, but what on Earth was going on??? It was nearly 3 by the time that we made it over there, and the line was wrapped around the building, and according to Mike (dressed as Steve Rogers) and his brothers the Flash and Superman, it had been like that all day long and was longer still when we left. Big Ben offered five free comics per person. I spent a fair amount of time here and managed to find a nice copy of Marvel's Adventures On The Planet Of The Apes #11 for only 4 bucks. I only need two more issues to complete the run! That will ensure that someone will release a collected edition of it.

Ben had an artist's gallery, and Detroit native Keith Pollard was there. Pollard was a Marvel mainstay during the late '70s and early '80s, penciling many of my favorite issues from my youth. I told him how much I enjoyed his work and how just this week my son and I have been reading the Spider-Man: Return Of The Burglar hardcover (collects Amazing Spider-Man #193-200; review up within the week!). When I informed my 7 year old son that this was the man who did some of the artwork in that book my son replied “His artwork is amazing!” Mr. Pollard seemed pleased. I am disappointed that I didn't A) get his autograph or B) snap a picture. What was I thinking? I have to admit that I was maybe slightly awestruck and caught off guard by him being there doing sketches and commissions. I should have brought some of my comics and had him sign them. Crap!

 

The kids were crazy stupid with sensory overload by this point in the day, and I offered them a chance to call it quits since I had hit the key shops that I wanted to hit and the day would have been a success even if we did not finish the rounds. They said thee nay, we must continue onward to greater glories! That is paraphrased. I'm not sure if they said it exactly like that or not.

The next shop needs no introduction...the internationally known CoBRA leader, founder of the Detroit FanFare comic convention and Internet quasi-celebrity Dennis Barger Jr.s' Wonderworld Comics in Taylor, MI was next. The famous (infamous?) Mr. Barger was present when I walked in but like Bigfoot was gone a second later when I looked back. No photographic proof of his existence, folks. Sorry!

 

Loads of folks still there at this late hour, with five free comics offered to adults and 10 to kids. They had a lot of issues that I had not come across during my travels that day, so that was a pleasant surprise. Like I said before, I was not going for multiple copies of anything, so if I already had a copy of something from one shop I was not grabbing a second copy elsewhere. I try not to abuse the hospitality and goodwill of the retailers. They had a Catwoman and Harley Quinn cosplay duo there who my daughter loved. The store had a lot of Lego figures, including the out of print Indiana Jones one that my son wants. He had blown his money already, and honestly, so had I! Another day, perhaps...

Finally, we went to Back To The Past Comics And Collectibles in Redford, MI. The I-96 freeway closure could have made getting there tricky, but I am a walking talking GPS and know my way around metro Detroit. I hope that this prolonged construction project is not harmful for business, as it is slated to run for a while. The place is, and I am not being the least bit hyperbolic, a warehouse. An actual warehouse filled with comic books, toys, records, old newspapers, books, pop bottles...if it is old and awesome they have it. I wanted that Mister Peanut promotional peanut body costume. It was only $500. I would wear it everywhere, but alas, my wife puts the kibosh on such flights of fancy. 

 

There was one free comic per person, two more with any purchase. They did not have any '70s Planet Of The Apes comics in stock, to my disappointment. I am two issues away from completing my run.

The poor, poor girl in the Harley Quinn costume was essentially my daughter's babysitter while we were there. She would not leave poor Harley Quinn alone! I tried dragging her away from her repeatedly, but Ms. Quinn seemed to enjoy my nap-deprived daughter's inane rambling and was such a good sport about it all. I will have to go back here and buy something soon as I feel guilty. 

 My son wanted more, my daughter was a babbling mess, and I was beat. Eight hours, a pile of comic books, and some terrific memories later, and Free Comic Book Day 2014 was a wrap. I enjoyed every bit of the day. Every store was great and everyone seemed to be genuinely happy everywhere. Again, thank you to every single store, every single employee, and especially the patient cosplayers who put up with my daughter!

 

It looked like a comic book bomb went off in the back seat.

My haul. Reviews will be forthcoming over the weeks and months ahead.