Review- Guardians Of The Galaxy

Guardians Of The Galaxy (Marvel Studios, 2014)

So I finally got around to seeing this film. I avoid movie theatres like the plague anymore, the result of idiot humans who feel that it is their god-given right to text during movies. Plus the fact that this movie looked dumb didn't help. Then the home video release happened in December, and I walked by it a few times when I was out and about. My friend offered to loan me his copy, and the price was right so I watched it, and you know what? It sucked.

It didn't totally suck, but a lot of it did. Let's start with the forced focal point of the story, the mixtape from Starlord's mother. What significance did it have to the story? I mean, couldn't she have given him, say, a packet of magic beans instead? Not one scene would have been different. The whole Walkman and playing bad music during scenes that made no sense to the story was just plain dumb and detracted from my overall enjoyment every time that it happened. Plus there's no way that a blank cassette would last 20 or so years with constant use, never mind the fact that I highly doubt that they sell AA batteries to power the Walkman in outer space.

Next is the cast of characters, which is of course lame. As someone who bought Rocket Raccoon #1 off of the spinner rack at 7-11 in February of 1985, you would think that I would be ecstatic to see the character make it to the big time. I wasn't, because he was never a very good character, which is why he could only headline a four issue mini-series until now. Groot is a relic of the Atlas era of monster titles who became a punchline a decade or so ago. Gamora, Starlord, and Drax The Destroyer are all C or D-listers.

The dialogue is occasionally clever but is often groan-inducing and bad. The CGI and action sequences are decent, but let's face it, that's the norm these days. The after scene credit featuring Howard the Duck (highlight to read) that got everyone all worked up left me cold, mostly because I am uninterested in what was arguably the first speculator title.

This movie beat box office expectations both here and abroad and is a success by all counts. It didn't seem appealing to me when they announced it and it doesn't appeal to me now. Kudos to Marvel for getting these losers to the big screen while DC sits there spinning their wheels.

Junk Food For Thought rating: 0.75 out of 5.