The Wolverine (20th Century Fox/ Marvel, 2013)
By this point I have fully accepted that the Marvel movies take place in an entirely different “reality” than their dead tree counterparts. In the case of the character Wolverine it's irrelevant because the character has been crapped up beyond redemption over the years. What started out as a rough and tumble tough guy mutant with razor sharp claws quickly gained an accelerated healing and metabolism as well as an Adamantium laced skeleton. These changes were introduced in a mostly plausible manner. Then they revealed that he spent time in Japan and was a ninja or whatever and introduced all of the cheesy martial arts discipline to a character who is the complete opposite of discipline. This was when Wolverine jumped the shark for me. He is now supposedly hundreds of years old and heals instantly. Essentially, an immortal, nigh omnipotent ninja.
The saddest part of all of this is that there are a hundred times more bad Wolverine stories than there are good ones. Most fans of Wolverine grew up on sucktastic ninja Wolverine. It's like growing up on Limp Bizkit and using it as your yardstick for Rock and Roll. They use the whole ninja/honor crap as the basis for this movie. We get treated to see how Wolverine can survive the atom bomb and heal instantly from every wound. I shuddered throughout this movie.
Worse still, the crappy story in this film is more believable than the source material, since they don't make Wolverine a ninja here. There is plenty of ninja and martial arts cheese to spread on this crap sandwich, though. The fight on the roof of the bullet train seemed super cheesy to me. If it were in a comic book I could buy it, but when you see a CGI-dipped scene like that it just looks fake and stupid no matter how well done it is.
Viper is nothing like the Viper that I've seen in comic books. They did get a few of the outfits right at least. Most of this movie just seemed to happen to bridge the next fight scene. I'm all for big, dumb, fun popcorn flicks, but this movie eliminated the fun and emphasized the dumb. Add in Wolverine's bone claws at the end and this sucktastic crapfest is complete.
The post-credits scene makes me cringe at how terrible the next X-Men movie will surely be. The comic books that they are basing it off of (Uncanny X-Men Nos. 141 and 142) are brilliant. Instead of that, we will be getting Cable and Bishop.
Junk Food For Thought rating: 1.75 out of 5.