Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I should be a politician

This was originally posted on my myspace blog on September 27, 2005. Note how many of my strategies Barack Obama has used in his campaign! This blog is also of note because it was the first time that I used the phrase "Junk Food For Thought".
I should be a politician. I could get things done, baby! Let me give you some examples. 1.) I recently purchased McAfee Security Suite, which is like Norton Internet Security (firewall, pop up blocker, spam guard, death ray), except that it works. There were two mail-in rebates; one for $40 if you switched from Norton and had proof of ownership, and one for $25 if you bought it in the specific time frame. I sent them both off with nary a second thought. I got a postcard in the mail from them stating that the $25 has been denied because I did not mail it in during the promotion period. I decided to call them up, getting one of our barely-English-speaking Indian friends on the horn. After some haggling, and providing him with exact dates, I showed him the error of his ways and got my rebate reinstated. 2.) In late 2003/early 2004, I got a lifetime subscription offer from Rolling Stone magazine. Three installments of $50. Wow! I happily sent off the checks when the bills came, not thinking about it again. Until recently. Working for the Post Office, I get to see when magazines come through. Imagine my excitement that morning when I saw the bundle of RSs with The White Stripes on the cover! I thought, Wow, that really is the big time! I can't wait to read this when I get home. I got home, no RS in my mailbox. No biggie. I understand how the system works, and figure that it'll be here in a day or two. A few more days go by, no magazine. I forget about it. I'm at 7-11 a week or two later, and see The Rolling Stones on the cover. Wow! I can't wait to read that one! Repeat same scenario. Then I remembered that White Stripes issue that I never received. Perplexed, I finally got around to going to the Rolling Stone website, and did the whole My Account bit. It said that my subscription expired on 081105. Huh?? Lifetime subscription. Hello? I fired off an email, explaining the lifetime subscription, how I keep records of checks written forever, how Rolling Stone magazine cashed those checks, how I will file the forms for mail fraud, etc. Lo and behold, I get an email stating that my lifetime subscription has been reinstated.

So you see, I fought two monster companies and won! I should be a politician. Only I'd be an honest one. I'd start by declaring the bulk of Detroit an empowerment zone. Fliers would be passed out stating that people need to leave their homes, as one week from today the bulldozers and bombers will arrive. Then new houses with classic architecture would be built, and trees would be planted. Oh, and a 7-11 on every other street. Slurpees radiate happiness, and could very well bring world peace if there were enough 7-11s to go around. What would happen to the poor people? They wouldn't be poor anymore, as I would have created a plethora of construction jobs that require minimal education. Of course, I would have to have some skilled labor courses available for electricians, carpenters, etc.

Next on the agenda: I would legalize every drug under the sun. Not because I support drug use per se', but because drug abusers are poor taxpayers. People are going to do what they are going to do, period. We, as a country, may as well tax this untapped revenue source, and balance our budget. Furthermore: I would legalize gay marriage. Why shouldn't gay people be able to share health insurance, etc.? Jobs. I would create more jobs by unleashing 10 lane freeways, coast to coast. Like they did in the '50s, I would route these through the biggest ghettos, eliminating blight and poverty. There would be plenty of jobs for everybody at this point, from the people working at the drug companies, to construction workers. Oh, and these freeways would be made of concrete poured 10 feet thick, like they use on airport runways. None of this 6 inches of asphalt crap.

You see? Everything would be well. We would unleash an era of peace and prosperity for all, ushering a renaissance era for art and culture. Oh, except for North Korea, China, and the Middle East. I guess I forgot about all of that.

Junk food for thought,

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